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Saturday, August 26, 2017

Toddlers are scary.

 When we start getting more comfortable with parenthood, we get a little cocky. "We've got this, we can handle anything!" We've all been there...
  WRONG. Just when I think I have a firm grasp on the balls that are parenthood, I am slapped off my pearly white pedestal with a crisp slap of reality. Here is that reality today.
   I have no clue how to parent my toddler.
 There it is in large, bold text. I even centered it, so you know this is serious. 12 point font really just wasn't getting the point across. I've spent the better part of the last 6 months trying to find my role. I've read the parenting books (that I typically don't like) from all ends of the spectrum. I've read the crunchy mom guidelines about being a parent that blows positivity and glitter out of their dirt star, to the books the say everything I'm feeling. For example, "Like serial killers toddlers lack empathy." (Toddlers are Assholes and it's not your fault by the HILARIOUSLY brilliant Bumni Laditian. Read it.) These books are all so great. Really, they are! They help so many people. Yet here I sit, on my bed surrounded by laundry, and broken dreams still not knowing what the fuck I'm doing. If my life were an emoji it would be this one...
                                                     Image result for what emoji
 Every. single. day is something different. Just when I think my book is full of tricks I realize that I truly know nothing and my toddler is outsmarting me. He knows he's smarter than I am too. Just the other day I told him to do something. He shot back the cheesiest, evilest little grin while replying with a firm "No thanks." At least he's polite? I often find myself staring into his beautiful blue eyeballs, wondering how such a tiny human can be so amazing, and terrifying all at once. I know I'm not alone in feeling this way, because I see the same "type" of Mom standing next to me in the "parenting help" section looking confused, tired, and mentally over it. The books fly off the shelves, and Mom blogs are more popular then ever. The other day I sat with two books on my nightstand that totally contradicted one another leaving me more lost then when I started. I took to the online forums which was a huge mistake because sanctimommies flock like seagulls to a french fry when you ask about discipline. *Squaaaack know better, do better squaaaaaack* Did I mention I hate SanctiMommies?  I tried taking a little bit of advice from everything I read. So far somethings are working, some aren't. I'm still on the verge of insanity but I'm learning. It's okay to have no clue what you are doing.
  What it boils down to is this simple message. No one has any idea what the fuck they are doing. They can pretend all they want. The harsh reality is kids are insane, but we love them. We are never going to know exactly what to do for every single kid, because like pimples all kids are different. Go with the flow, learn as you go, and make sure there is one place in your house where you can lock yourself in for 38 seconds of sanity. 
 I think of it this way, this kid has lived longer than all of my house plants. Can I get an Amen?

-S

Here are links to all the parenting books I've read incase you want to let them sit on your coffee table for a few months, before sending them to goodwill.

https://www.amazon.com/No-Drama-Discipline-Whole-Brain-Nurture-Developing/dp/034554806X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1503770884&sr=8-1&keywords=child+discipline

https://www.amazon.com/Whole-Brain-Child-Revolutionary-Strategies-Developing/dp/0553386697/ref=sr_1_4?ie=UTF8&qid=1503770911&sr=8-4&keywords=child+discipline

https://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen-ebook/dp/B005GG0MXI/ref=sr_1_6?ie=UTF8&qid=1503770911&sr=8-6&keywords=child+discipline

https://www.amazon.com/Toddler-411-5th-Answers-Advice-ebook/dp/B015NNIHJE/ref=sr_1_1?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1503770944&sr=1-1&keywords=toddler+411

https://www.amazon.com/Sh-tty-Mom-Parenting-Guide-ebook/dp/B008JHQ492/ref=sr_1_1?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1503770984&sr=1-1&keywords=Shitty+mom


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S is a snarky Mom, with a lot to say. This blog covers every thing from an abundant amount of vomit, to things that are just too sticky. You'll find recipes, laughs, and honesty. With a toddler, a dog, and a really patient husband this Mama can accomplish things.