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Saturday, August 26, 2017

 When we start getting more comfortable with parenthood, we get a little cocky. "We've got this, we can handle anything!" We've all been there...
  WRONG. Just when I think I have a firm grasp on the balls that are parenthood, I am slapped off my pearly white pedestal with a crisp slap of reality. Here is that reality today.
   I have no clue how to parent my toddler.
 There it is in large, bold text. I even centered it, so you know this is serious. 12 point font really just wasn't getting the point across. I've spent the better part of the last 6 months trying to find my role. I've read the parenting books (that I typically don't like) from all ends of the spectrum. I've read the crunchy mom guidelines about being a parent that blows positivity and glitter out of their dirt star, to the books the say everything I'm feeling. For example, "Like serial killers toddlers lack empathy." (Toddlers are Assholes and it's not your fault by the HILARIOUSLY brilliant Bumni Laditian. Read it.) These books are all so great. Really, they are! They help so many people. Yet here I sit, on my bed surrounded by laundry, and broken dreams still not knowing what the fuck I'm doing. If my life were an emoji it would be this one...
                                                     Image result for what emoji
 Every. single. day is something different. Just when I think my book is full of tricks I realize that I truly know nothing and my toddler is outsmarting me. He knows he's smarter than I am too. Just the other day I told him to do something. He shot back the cheesiest, evilest little grin while replying with a firm "No thanks." At least he's polite? I often find myself staring into his beautiful blue eyeballs, wondering how such a tiny human can be so amazing, and terrifying all at once. I know I'm not alone in feeling this way, because I see the same "type" of Mom standing next to me in the "parenting help" section looking confused, tired, and mentally over it. The books fly off the shelves, and Mom blogs are more popular then ever. The other day I sat with two books on my nightstand that totally contradicted one another leaving me more lost then when I started. I took to the online forums which was a huge mistake because sanctimommies flock like seagulls to a french fry when you ask about discipline. *Squaaaack know better, do better squaaaaaack* Did I mention I hate SanctiMommies?  I tried taking a little bit of advice from everything I read. So far somethings are working, some aren't. I'm still on the verge of insanity but I'm learning. It's okay to have no clue what you are doing.
  What it boils down to is this simple message. No one has any idea what the fuck they are doing. They can pretend all they want. The harsh reality is kids are insane, but we love them. We are never going to know exactly what to do for every single kid, because like pimples all kids are different. Go with the flow, learn as you go, and make sure there is one place in your house where you can lock yourself in for 38 seconds of sanity. 
 I think of it this way, this kid has lived longer than all of my house plants. Can I get an Amen?

-S

Here are links to all the parenting books I've read incase you want to let them sit on your coffee table for a few months, before sending them to goodwill.

https://www.amazon.com/No-Drama-Discipline-Whole-Brain-Nurture-Developing/dp/034554806X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1503770884&sr=8-1&keywords=child+discipline

https://www.amazon.com/Whole-Brain-Child-Revolutionary-Strategies-Developing/dp/0553386697/ref=sr_1_4?ie=UTF8&qid=1503770911&sr=8-4&keywords=child+discipline

https://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen-ebook/dp/B005GG0MXI/ref=sr_1_6?ie=UTF8&qid=1503770911&sr=8-6&keywords=child+discipline

https://www.amazon.com/Toddler-411-5th-Answers-Advice-ebook/dp/B015NNIHJE/ref=sr_1_1?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1503770944&sr=1-1&keywords=toddler+411

https://www.amazon.com/Sh-tty-Mom-Parenting-Guide-ebook/dp/B008JHQ492/ref=sr_1_1?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1503770984&sr=1-1&keywords=Shitty+mom


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Sunday, August 20, 2017

             Image result for self care gif

 Before my mental illness reached the climax of it’s existence, I always thought self care was about physical care, not mental. I thought of things like, going to the salon, or taking a hot silent bath.  Back then I was right. It was amazing what a fresh coat of nail polish, and 10 minutes of adele could do. Things got different, as they do after having a baby.  A trip to the nail salon left me anxious, uptight, and nauseous. I had no time to take a bath, and I really didn’t want to sit in silence. Silence was scary. 
  I knew I had to take care of myself, or I couldn’t take care of my son. But how? How does one practice self care when your whole world revolves around a baby? I did the typical Pinterest search
        Self Care for Moms.
  Take a soothing bath, listen to music, go get a pedicure, go get a massage, talk with a friend, go to an animal shelter. 
   All of those suggestions made my stomach curl. I didn’t want to be anywhere near other people, or in public. The very idea of stepping out of my comfort zone, or putting on pants actually caused the deepest, soul clenching panic one could imagine. So I sat with my infant, and let my depression, and anxiety build into something massive. 
  As my life progressed, I decided, well my husband actually decided that I need SOMETHING. So I opened my laptop one day and just started writing. I poured out every emotion that I could in the way I knew best. I spared no shameful frustration, or dirty detail- and I mean dirty. I talked about diapers, vomit, tears, and everything in between. After writing a few “essays” if you will I shared one with the ladies I had gotten close with on my BirthBoard. They all laughed, while encouraging me to share more. I love the feeling of making people laugh. It’s almost soul cleansing, knowing that your words or actions can change someones mood. I felt like my essays were relatable, which is why they got a laugh. There was no “perfect parent” talk, or showing off. It was all real moments in our every day life. So every night I carved out at least 30 minutes where I could spill everything I was feeling. The more I wrote, the better I felt. My light was finally lit again, after so long. I enjoyed my quiet time, and sometimes I even wrote when my life wasn’t quiet. 
 After a few more weeks, I decided to further my sharing by starting a blog. I told myself;
            Even if no one reads it, at least this will make you feel okay.
  With the blog started, I just let it flow. Every emotion poured out of me, in the snarky, humorous way that I spoke. The more and more readers I got, the crazier it all got. The feedback was warming my damaged soul. Even when the negative feed back came in, it still meant someone was taking the time out of their day to read what I wrote. 
  Now, two years later writing is my safe space. I was lucky enough to be given a writing prompt journal from my best friend. It’s filled with 300 questions, and space to answer them. They make me dig deep into my emotions, and sometimes they make me laugh. I also journal, for when writing a post, or filling in a prompt just aren’t doing it for me. 

   Self care isn’t the same for everyone. You have to soul search to find out what works best for you. It may take a few tries, but never get discouraged. Practicing self care has made me a better wife, a more patient mom, and truer version of myself. 
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Saturday, August 12, 2017




   Like most people with a blog, children, pets, and souls my life is hot mess. I'm always late, forgetting things, or dropping shit. Don't deny it, embrace it. I haven't washed my hair in 3 freakin' days. (I want to clarify that yes, I have showered, but washing my hair takes time and effort that this week really hasn't allowed.) I'm pretty sure my hair is 30% dry shampoo, 30% corn starch because I'm out of dry shampoo, and the rest of it is classified, unknown substances.
  With all that being said I am constantly looking for new things to make my life even the tiniest bit easier. Well... I have something that is going to change your life, and also rock your effin' world.
                                           AMAZON FRESH
I was super reluctant to give it a go because I am a total grocery snob. I'm very particular about my produce. I love to hand pick everything, but with a toddler who is going through a really rough stage, that isn't happening. Going to the grocery store turned into a nightmare for us. It was to the point where I was willing to go in the middle of the night so I could avoid bringing Tater. Two weeks ago my breaking point hit. I was done, so I logged into Amazon and gave fresh a go.
  Ordering was super fun, honestly. They have such a killer variety of food. Things from major stores, and local items. I got my ground beef from the butcher shop that we've used before. Because I am the biggest cheap ass on planet earth I compared prices on Amazon, and Kroger (using the Kroger app.) I was actually getting a good deal on most of the items I was buying. There were a few items that were more expensive, but I was willing to fork over the extra 50 cents for my sour cream to come to my door. They have "clippable" coupons, and daily deals for things people actually use too! All of my dreams were coming true as I added items to my virtual cart.
 At last, my cart was full. I triple checked everything, EVERYTHING. I even considered emptying my cart, and starting over.  I had a feeling of nervous/excited because this really was a huge step for me. I had zero control over my produce and that was nerve wrecking, honestly. I know that sounds like the stupidest thing ever but groceries are one of the few things in life that I can control! I selected the 6-8pm window, and at 6:18pm my groceries were delivered to my door step. They were in paper bags that had reusable silver bags to help keep things cool. There were gel ice packs, that I also am reusing. My groceries were carefully packed, nothing was squished or over lapping. It was seriously impressive!
  I put my groceries away in a tantrum free zone. There was absolutely no noise from the toddlernado. I got to the produce bag and took a deep breath. As I unpacked each item I examined it with a fine tooth comb. Everything looked amazing... I had nothing that I wanted to knit pick- which was huge. This simple service changed my whole world.  I know Walmart has delivery, and Kroger has "clicklist" but honestly I would rather give my money to Amazon, and the local places they get the food from! Plus I think I'd rather set money on fire before giving it to Satan's Playground (walmart).
 My second experience with Amazon Fresh was just as incredible!  I ordered Saturday night, and my stuff was delivered at 6 am. I woke up to fresh groceries on my door. How incredible is that?! I didn't have to put pants on to grocery shop. I didn't have to take my beautiful, heathen child to the store and listen to him whine for over an hour. I didn't have to fill in my eyebrows, or smell decent. (Please always wear deodorant. That's a given. You can even order your deodorant on Amazon Fresh! See what I did there?)
 Amazon Fresh is free for the first month and then $14.99 a month after that. After using, and comparing prices this is well worth the charge in just time alone. Delivery is free with purchases over 40 dollars, and they send you coupons and discount codes regularly. If you are in an area where Fresh isn't available email Amazon! Let them know you want Fresh in your region!
  Your time is valuable and so are you. Let someone else do your shopping, it's well worth the break. To the wonderfully people that work for Amazon Fresh, THANK YOU! Not all heroes wear capes.

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S is a snarky Mom, with a lot to say. This blog covers every thing from an abundant amount of vomit, to things that are just too sticky. You'll find recipes, laughs, and honesty. With a toddler, a dog, and a really patient husband this Mama can accomplish things.