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Friday, February 24, 2017

the house of marriage



   As far as couples go, I really believe that my husband and I are rock solid. We are dedicated to each other, and built on solid love. We respect one another, and build each other up. We've heard more then once that we are "the perfect couple." He is the Marshall, to my Lily. However, I want to clear something up, because here is the reality.
  There is absolutely no such thing as a perfect couple, or marriage. Marriage is incredibly hard. No matter how happy and in love you are marriage is an INSANE amount of work. You don't just spend time dating someone, falling in love, and getting married just to stop putting forth effort. Marriage is just as much work as dating, you just happen to be a little more comfortable- and willing to fart in front of each other.
 When the time comes to throw children into the mix, your marriage gets harder. Time is limited, exhaustion is haunting your every thought. Stress is increased, and life sometimes sucks. Instead of thinking about how much you love someone, you tend to knit pick at the things that fall short. You no longer have the time to love each other like you used to. You can't just pack a bag and get a hotel downtown. Hell you can't even go out to dinner on a whim without planning a sitter. This lack of nurture takes its toll, even on the strongest of foundations.
  Honestly marriage is like a house. If you neglect on upkeep you're going to lose your house. You may encounter termites (kids), an unkempt yard (neglected "special" time), plumbing issues (communication,) and a lack of time to fix it all. Typically you just let it go, and move on until you mysteriously have time. More things stack up, and previous issues eventually get forgotten.
 Last week was a rough week for my marriage. Normally I keep this information super private but I think it's important forever one to know that there truly is no perfect marriage. Now, my issues were nothing compared to what some people face. When we "fight" it's a small argument, that is over and done within 30 minutes. Our argument was small, and truly meaningless. I blew up over something, that looking back now was stupid. It did lead to a talk we so desperately needed to have, but didn't want to.  We felt like we had no time, but really we just weren't making the time. This talk was about making time for each other. We didn't want to spend what little time we do have bickering, which is why we kept putting everything else off. Between his work, my projects, the toddlernado, and trying to do 10,000 other things we forgot about some upkeep. We simply didn't make times for our needs, wants, and our feelings. Every single couple I know goes through this, from time to time. If they say they don't they are full of shit. But we don't talk about it because it's "shameful" to have trying times in your marriage. Admitting that we had a rough week doesn't mean we have a bad or failing marriage. It means that life is hard, and always being appreciative, and nurturing to your partner is sometimes back burnered.
  Marriage takes every day work. It's honestly like having another kid. I've learned a lot in my time married, about myself, my husband, and our life together. This last little "disagreement" taught me more than I thought possible. It taught me what we really need to nurture each other, and the amazing marriage we share.  We need more time talking, and less time sitting on our cell phones in silence. We are all guilty of that. We endless browse all the things the Internet has to offer, yet we miss out on god knows how much time connecting with our spouse.
  It's hard getting a sitter, and going out. Money isn't always there for everyone, but if you can at least 2 times a month carve out a night to do SOMETHING. It could be a dinner out, or pack yourself a picnic and eat it outside. B and I have literally gone to the state park and just sat in the car laughing. It doesn't matter what you do as long as you make time.
  On top of making time, communication is so crucial. I know that when time is limited the last thing you want to spend your time doing is talking about tough things. I hate confrontation, I mean hate, too. I don't like bickering or arguing. I do however like a healthy marriage. From experience I've learn it's better to talk about the tough things when they happen, then to wait until you flip your lid over SOCKS. (Yes, that did indeed happen in my household.) Talk about what did, and didn't work for you two this week. Tell your partner what you need from them. There are days where I will text my husband and tell him "I'm needy today, so I'm going to need some extra love from you." It may seem silly, or even embarrassing but the more open you are the better. Men are not mind readers, even though we wish they were.
  If you watch The Office- season 9 when Jim and Pam are working on communication you don't need to be that harsh about it, but if it works... let it work! 
  Be receptive to your partner, too. You can't expect them to do everything you need, and do nothing in return. Appreciate your partner, even on the days where it is hard to do. When the going gets hard just remember why you're there in the first place.

  To my sweet B who is going to read this, and pretend that he doesn't read my blog- Thank you. I love you more everyday, even when we argue over socks.

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S is a snarky Mom, with a lot to say. This blog covers every thing from an abundant amount of vomit, to things that are just too sticky. You'll find recipes, laughs, and honesty. With a toddler, a dog, and a really patient husband this Mama can accomplish things.