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Poopmageden, the carpet chronicles.

 I would be lying if I said I was overjoyed to start potty training. The idea of not buying diapers is like a dream come true, but actually...

Tuesday, July 25, 2017

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 I would be lying if I said I was overjoyed to start potty training. The idea of not buying diapers is like a dream come true, but actually potty training sounds like everything I don't want to do. For some reason I got a wild hair up my ass and wanted to take care of it. I kept telling myself "Oh! it won't be that bad."
Well folks, I'm here to tell you it's THAT FUCKING BAD. Picture this: It's a hot day, and we are playing inside because lord knows I'm not about to stand on my unshaded patio while the sun blisters my delicate Scandinavian skin. At this point in this adventure we've introduced Tater to the potty and he says "Poop!!!"when he has to go. From across the room I hear this silly little "Poop!"
  I rush to get the little kid potty out of the bathroom (like some sort of unpaid bar bathroom attendant- except I don't have mints and dollar store perfumes). I move like a leopard to try and get the Tater to poop on the potty.
 I make it out of the bathroom with the potty to find a small two year old shitting under my kitchen table on my carpeted floor. We both just kind of stared at each other, I had a look of disgust, while his was a grin of ragging satisfaction. I don't think he could have grinned any bigger, honestly. Shit eating grin no pun intended.  For a second I just stood there, really unsure how I needed to handle this. I wanted to scream my head off, yet I didn't want to scare him from using the potty. All I could say was "We poop in the potty." Nothing more, nothing less. I cleaned him up, diapered him, and cleaned the floor. Of course it had to be the smelliest toddler poop in the history of the universe (fucking blueberries.) It was like the episode of 'The Office' where Packer takes a dump on Michael's carpet. Oddly I thought I would always be Packer in that situation. (If you don't know what I'm talking about stop reading my blog, go to Netflix and watch the US version of The Office. DO IT.)
   My house smelled like a rotting Chuck E Cheese.  The carpet cleaner and it's magical liquid lavender kind of broke through the smell but I still feel like we had to evacuate the building for safety/sanity reasons.
  Me being the well put together, structured parent that I am, I put my shoeless child in the car. With no idea where we were going but it just wasn't here. Target would cause a melt down, the park was too hot (seriously it was like Satan's dirt star hot.) I didn't want to dare to take him into a restaurant or movie theater because, no. (No explanation needed there.) It was almost 5 o'clock... almost dinner time. Micky D's wasn't an option, so I decided on the next best thing...
  We pulled into the ice cream parlor parking lot. All of Tater's dreams came true in that moment. I know what you're thinking.. "You shouldn't reward him for shitting on your carpet!" Yet, here I was "rewarding" him. Really what happened was my ability to give a single care failed me. I was done with the day. Emotionally, physically, mentally DONE. Bedtime was still hours away so I had to figure something out.
 We walked in to what was total chaos. Moms and kids everywhere, we fit right in. Every kid was a sticky, dirty, happy mess, all while the mom's looked at ease. My choice was valid. Tater picked the cotton candy ice cream which was blue, purple, and green. He had a white shirt on, and I didn't care. We sat in the grass under the mist machine and he became a happy, sticky, dirty mess. We sat while he ate, and talked about the trees and the sky. We laughed, and the frustrating day started to melt away. The smell of 'poopmageden' slowly disappeared from my nose.
 We walked around in the heat of 10,000 suns for a few minutes before heading to the car. We buckled up, and I put on the Moana soundtrack for the one millionth time this week. We sang along until part way through song 3 (the one they sing in the village, it's like the island is all you need, I'm too lazy to google it.) I heard soft little snores coming from the seat behind me. I turned off the music and for a moment our whole world was calm. I took a deep breath before the internal struggle of waking him up hit me. It was only 6:15 which meant if he slept through the night he'd be up at 4:30 a.m.
 I carried his sleepy, heavy ass body into the house. Why did I choose a house with stairs? Seriously carrying a 42 pound toddler up the stairs is the worst. I tucked his sleepy little face in, and closed the door. I'll take the 4 am wake up.

He woke up at 8:30 because he peed through his diaper. THERE IS NO WINNING.


You can follow my fitness/mom/poop journey on Instagram! @raisingtaters

Friday, July 14, 2017

Oh the Mom shaming. I've talked about that a lot. So many other "Mommy bloggers" have too, because we are all sick of the same shit. Today's post is coming from a real moment that happens everyday in my life.
   My two year old is fucking wild, and I'm sick of apologizing for it. I'm done. I have a two year old little boy who could literally run circles around me 24 hours a day, if I'd let him.(Let's be honest, there are some days that he does.)  He tests every fiber of my being both mentally and physically. Sometimes he even makes me question every choice I've ever made. He is rowdy, loud, and full of life. He loves to play, hear him self make noise (that's a nice way of saying he likes to scream like a monkey,) and he truly is a little boy full of love. He's curious about everything. There is not a single thing in this world that he doesn't want to touch, lick or hug. Sometimes in that order. He is that kid in the grocery store making noise, saying hi to people, and sometimes screaming because I won't let him lick the grocery cart. He has meltdowns in public, and it's not because I don't parent him, or that he's spoiled... IT'S BECAUSE HE IS FUCKING TWO.
  I've spent a lot of my life around little people, and two year olds are the most irrational little monsters out there. I know they say 3 is worse, but it's a different kind of "worse." Two is a whole different ballpark of tears, and melted fruit snacks. Image result for toddler comic
  The more I write this post the more the fire in me is fueled. I spend so much of my time with him in public apologizing to strangers who are judging me. I was at the park when a little girl punched Tater in the face because he hugged her. I apologized to the mom because my 2 year old isn't quite getting the personal space issue yet, again because he is 2. She was mad at me, even though her kid clocked mine in the face. THERE IS NO WINNING.
                                      Image result for toddler comic
  In the grocery store, I spend my trip apologizing to others for him being loud. At the gym I apologize because sometimes in the kids center he's an asshole, or wears shoes in the maze. No matter where we are, I apologize to humans that don't even matter, all because I have a wild, free spirited, slightly nuts but still sweet two year old.
                               Image result for toddler comic
  No there is nothing wrong with him, yes I've spent more time on Google seeing if he was a sociopath, more time than I'd like to admit. I've talked to his doctor, I've read every freaking "positive parenting" bullshit magic guide there is out there. There is only one solution to this problem, and that is to let my kid be a little wild. I'm not saying I'm going to let him be an unruly little turd, but if he wants to hear his voice echo in Costco, cool.
  I'm so tired of everything being a battle, yes there are rules he has to learn. I try and teach him those rules, but I'm not going to try and force him to be this quiet, little angel that he just isn't right now. Even on the days that he makes me cry or when he makes me want to leave him at the fire station- I still love the wonder in his eyes.
  So to all of those who judge the Mom with the wild child, bite me. I'm done apologizing to you all. I'm done caring about your useless opinion, and I could care less about the fact that you think I'm a bad Mom.
  To all the parents out there with wild two year olds... I feel you. I feel your struggle, your hurt, and your embarrassment. It's freaking hard! Raising a 2 year old is emotionally taxing enough, so don't let worry of others crowd your mind. You are a great parent, with a good kid who's an asshole sometimes. Guess what, you aren't alone.

Friday, June 23, 2017

All aboard hydration station y'all, It's time to chug chug that water!
  Water is so freaking important for our bodies, but it's sometimes so hard to drink. I mean maybe if water tasted like a gin and tonic, we would all drink more. BUUUUT it doesn't. I used to HATE water. In all reality I just hated drinking anything that wasn't coffee or soda. I was so dehydrated all the time, it's a miracle I didn't turn into beef jerky, or human jerky (because all though I spiritually identify with cows, I am not one.)
  After Tater was born I dried out so bad, so slowly but surely I started to consume more water.  After time passed I hated it less and less. Now water is my go to drink, even over coffee and gin. "Experts" say you should take your body weight, divide it by two and that's how much water you should drink in a day. I shoot for a gallon everyday. I try to drink water every time my hands are free, and I also have alarms set on my phone to remind me to drink water.
 When eating keto water is REALLY effing important, vital to the success of losing fat.  It's also important to balance your electrolytes. If you are eating keto you can't drink Gatorade, which I don't really recommend anyone drink that glorified sugar water- but on keto absolutely not! Even after becoming a water person I still struggle with wanting water, and consuming it like I should. It's boring, and we live in a world where everything has flavors. I have some awesome hydration solutions to make water suck less.
 1. Mio water "enhancers" These fun little squeeze bottles make everything a little happier!                                                       Image result for mio
They have a ton of flavors, including flavors that are similar to Gatorade that come with electrolytes! I buy mine at Target (shocking, I know.)

2. LEMON & Pink Salt!
I love lemon in my water, but when you add just a touch of pink salt to it, it's like Gatorade without the garbage! You can find out why salt is so important on the keto diet HERE.

3. Cute water bottle.
  This is literally the stupidest thing ever, but I totally drink more water when it comes from a cute water bottle. If I just have a glass, I won't drink it. My brain is kind of a mess though, so this might not work for you.

4. Set alarms on your phone
  My Mama Q and I do this, because we suck at hydration. She just started her keto journey, and when I told her I set alarms she laughed a bit before realizing how much of a freaking genius I am. I have alarms at 9am, 1pm, 6pm, and 9pm. I chug my water bottle no matter where I am.

5. Drink half your body weight in water.
  I'm so competitive, so it's like a game for myself. I realize not everyone is a competitive dick head, but this strategy works for me.

  These aren't perfect, or down to a science but those 5 little tidbits truly help me stay hydrated in a day! So set some timers, add some flavor and chug your water!

Thursday, June 15, 2017

  Oh man is losing weight after babies hard. When I first got pregnant with Tater I was heavy then I would have liked to be. I didn't workout, and we ate a lot of comfort foods. When I found out I was pregnant I took eating for two quite literally. I ate whatever, whenever. I slowly, but surely turned into a blob I didn't recognize. After Tater I was determined to get that weight off. I did okay for a while... Tried every snake oil out there, but guess what... None of it worked with lasting results. Which I'm totally to blame for. We ate like garbage. Pasta, potatoes, cake.... All of it. I lost myself.
  I tried to sell a product for a while, but after a few months it stopped working, and I ballooned out. I weighed more than I did when I gave birth.... It was horrifying. I hated myself.
  In December of 2016 I had enough... I was so sick of feeling like garbage and looking like it too. I was so unhappy in my own skin. B found this "diet" that I thought was going to fail because the whole premise of it was based on FAT. Eating fat... ALL the fat. I thought he was crazy, but since I would follow this man into the fiery pits of hell, or California I jumped on board.
 Fast forward 5 months. I am down 60 pounds. Sixty. SIX ZERO. All by eating things like bacon, butter, and heavy cream. Everything we know about weight loss is wrong with keto. HERE is the post where I talk about science and all that jazz.
  Every single day I get messages on Instagram about what the hell I'm doing, and why it's working. I love sharing my journey with everyone because I thought I could never lose weight again. One of the main things I'm asked is what are my favorite keto essentials. I have a ton of them that I love, but I want to share my absolute #cnlwtkt (Yep, here I am making hashtags again. This one is Cannot live without these Keto things. Really smooth, right? Word master over here, look out world.)
  These are not things you HAVE to have to do a ketogenic diet, please keep that in mind.

  1. MCT Oil
         MCT oil is a concentrated form of coconut oil. We all know that coconut oil fixes all your problems, so this is like the super glue of oil. This shit is like rocket fuel. When I mix it in my coffee I get a huge boost of energy. Be warned though, if you take too much you will literally shit your pants when you sneeze. No amount of sphincter tightening exercises will save you, friends. I use 1/4 teaspoon in my bulletproof coffee. It will totally keep you regular. ** On a side note, I totally don't recommend using this coconut oil as lube.***
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  You can buy the brand I use HERE

2. Heavy Whipping Cream
  Lord Jesus, do I love this stuff. You can add it to anything. Literally ANYTHING. It's amazing in coffee, or in dishes. I love making cream sauces to top everything I eat. Literally I would eat anything covered in a cream sauce. Plus if you want a sweet treat, you just whip this up with some powdered peanut butter and call it a day. I always buy the Market Pantry Brand from Target (because I live at Target, and it's always on Cartwheel so you save money!) Honestly if I could bathe in heavy cream I totes would.

3. Kerrygold Butter
  I FUCKING LOVE BUTTER. I feel like I connect to Paula Dean on a spiritual level because of how much I love butter. You can do literally everything with butter. Butter is what holds my dreams up high. Kerrygold butter is a special breed of creamy gold. It's the perfect butter, and believe me when I say I've tried them all. It's creamy, slightly salty, and it's what keto dreams are made of. It's grassfed, and imported from Ireland. This is the end all, be all of butter. Like if it was a person, it would be 2016 Martha Stewart ( I also love post jail Martha.)
Image result for Kerrygold butter
I buy mine at Costco, in a 3 pack!

4. Vegetable Spritzer
  Do you know how many cool things you can do with these bad boys? You can spiralize ANYTHING. Including pepperoni. You can literally make pepperoni noodles. NOODLES MADE OF MEAT. Also zucchini noodles are pretty amazing too. I have the AS SEEN ON TV one, because I am a total sucker for that section in Target. I do have the 10 dollar one because I am so freaking cheap.
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You can buy this HERE

  5. BPI Sports Preworkout
  Preworkout is a struggle for me, because usually the sugar free pre workout tastes like a soggy butthole. Okay, maybe not that dramatic, but it at least tastes like dumpster juice. BPI is 100% Keto friendly, and they have the best flavors. Watermelon and Snowcone are my favorites. Plus they give me insane amounts of energy. Like, INSANE. You can look at the whole line HERE

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 Like I said, these things are totally not needed to do a ketogenic diet, but I find them super helpful. Over the next few weeks I'm going to be doing a series on Keto, and how it's changed my life. I can't wait to share my victories and fails with you all. 

Tuesday, May 23, 2017

  If you follow me on Instagram you've seen my whole weight loss journey play out, including all of the really delicious food I'm eating. We went Keto- low carb, high fat. If you missed those blog posts you can find them HERE.
 One of my favorite recipes that has become a staple in this house is "Eggroll in a bowl" or my favorite name for it... CRACK SLAW!!! It's so tasty, addicting and really effing delicious. Everyone always asks me for the recipe so I figured I'd fork it over for you!
  There are hundreds of crack slaw recipes but this one has been tweaked by me, and approved by the Sasquatch. It takes me about 25 minutes to make, and it's so freaking good.

  What you need:

  •    1 12-14 oz package of coleslaw mix. You can use angel hair coleslaw or the traditional 3 color slaw. If you're fancy, and not lazy you can shred some cabbage. That's just now how we do things here. Show me up, I don't care. I know who I am!
  •  1 pound of a meat of your choosing. Original recipes always use ground beef, but I just use what I have. Last night I made it with smoked pulled pork. It was what dreams are made of.
  •  2 Tablespoons toasted sesame oil, or untoasted because it's cheaper.
  • 2 garlic cloves, minced 
  • 3-5 chopped green onions depending on how onion-y you like your breath.
  • 2 tablespoons low sodium soy sauce
  • 1 teaspoon of red pepper flakes
  • 1/2 teaspoon of ground ginger, or use fresh if you're fancy.
  • 1 teaspoon of some sort of vinegar
  • 1 packet of stevia or splenda if you like the aftertaste, or getting cancer. (Kidding, I just think of all the people who yell at me when I use artificial sweeteners. I had one girl on Instagram FREAK OUT about me getting cancer because I drink the occasional diet coke.)
  • Optional- 3 eggs
 Cook whatever meat you are using, and for the love of all that is good in this world, season it! Salt, pepper, onion, tears, what ever you want. But don't leave it bland. If you are using the same pan, set aside the seasoned mystery meat, and start heating your sesame oil. Toss in your garlic and onions. Let them sauté and soak up some good stuff before pouring the coleslaw mix in. 
 Now, I'm going to warn you. Every single time I make this dish I ALWAYS just pour the whole bag in, which makes a giant mess on my stove. Add handfuls of slaw into the pan, don't be like me. Let that all cook until the cabbage is the desired texture you like. I like mine pretty soft. Make a whole in the center of the slaw and pour 3 mixed eggs in there. Let it cook, and scramble the eggs. I think egg makes this dish what it is. 
 Add your meat back into the pan, while adding the rest of the ingredients. Mix it up super well. Let it sit for a few additional minutes. You can use this time to clean up the fucking mess you made with the coleslaw mix. 
  Serve hot, with hot sauce on top! Now unless you are some sort of chopstick wizard, I really recommend eating this with a fork.

Happy recipe Wednesday! Make sure you follow us on Instagram, and Twitter! @Raisingtaters

Monday, May 22, 2017

In the beautiful words of my favorite author Bunmi Laditan (if you don't know who she is, go buy ALL of her books. All of them.)
"Toddlers are assholes, and it's not your fault."

  I don't have a lot left today. I'm tired and it was a stressful day. I'm basically just copy and pasting the post from Facebook. I went to Barre tonight and I really didn't want to go. But I did want to go because I needed a few MOMents away from this kiddo. I've said two is hard time and time again, but two is FUCKING hell. My friend Chasity said "They're just primal." I couldn't agree more... 
  My kid bit another kid today and I was so embarrassed. I became THAT mom, with THAT kid. "The biter." I cried from embarrassment and filled my head with shame. What did I do or not do to create this behavior? How did I as the parent mess up? I'm not giving him enough attention. I'm not meeting his needs.
  The mom of the other kid came over with a beautiful sense of humor and said to her son "you got chomped on? You'll be okay." 
  I turned to her with my tail between my legs and apologized. Tears were in my eyes, and stress created a Grand Canyon on my forehead. She laughed, telling me her son used to bite too, and that it happens. She wasn't hateful, or angry with me (or tater.) She just got it. She understood the emotions that were racing in my head. The other people with kids did the same thing. They comforted me, didn't shame me, and got it. No one around was angry, except for me. I was my own bully. There's a lot of pressure for parents to be perfect, and there is a lot of pressure for the small humans we are raising to be perfect too. Kids bite and hit. It's not always a reflection of bad parenting, but merely a reminder that kids will be kids. Parents will mess up, and not know what to do. Today I felt like a shit mom, but tomorrow is a new day, with new attitudes and new lessons. So if you're struggling tonight with your direction, or just in general know that you aren't alone. Kids are tough, but parents are tougher. We have to stick together, while making our own way.
  We also need to listen to what we say to ourselves. We are our own worst critic, and bully. The harsh reality of it is- none of us really know what we are doing. Take it easy on yourself too. We treat our souls like shit sometimes. We beat our spirits up, which causes emotional damage. I am emotionally abusive to myself. I'm too mean to me. ME of all people. 

Take some time tonight to wrap up into yourself and relax. We've got this.
On a different note, I think I'm going to change the blog name to Raising Jaws.

Friday, May 12, 2017

  This is absolutely a rant post, so I apologize in advance for my potenial 'F' word usage. So here we go...

 Why? It's like this two sided battle of who's right and wrong. One side wants to be alone, the other wants to be with their kids. It's turned into this shaming battle of nonsense. As an overtired, overemotional Mom I could literally give two fucking shits about how anyone else spends Mother's Day. SO WHY IS THIS AN ISSUE?! I've seen so many people say things like:
  "Oh you don't want to be with your kids? That's just sad. It's MOTHER'S day, they made you a Mom- blah blah blah"
  Then from the other side spews this tomfoolery:
  "You just don't get it because you get a break from your kid for this and that reason. You're doing it wrong. blah blah blah."

 As if there wasn't enough pressure to be a "Good Mom" these days. We literally get shamed for EVERY. CHOICE. WE. MAKE. Even if that choice is doing what others told us to do! If we share anything that we are doing with any other Mom you likely get that "Oh no honey, that's wrong. Here is 543 articles to prove it, and my pediatricians assistants boyfriend's, official statement on it." 
 There was a day where all we had to do was make sure your kid was fed, and happy. Now we've turned into gluten free, no tv, no screens, attachment parenting, organic, no sugar monsters who judge one another. We have a thumb on every second, of our kids life... but god forbid we don't the whole santicmommy crew is down your throat. 
  It's time to cut this bullshit out. You celebrate Mother's Day however you see fit. 

Happy Mother's day to the Moms who have it all figured out, and to the ones who go 10 seconds at a time. You all rock, but stop being suck a dick to each other. It takes a village people.


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S is a snarky Mom, with a lot to say. This blog covers every thing from an abundant amount of vomit, to things that are just too sticky. You'll find recipes, laughs, and honesty. With a toddler, a dog, and a really patient husband this Mama can accomplish things.